Lions Season 2004/05

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Feb -04 "Deep breath, don't worry lads, it's an inhailer!"
- Report by Dave Butler
This game will be remembered for one incident only, namely that sickening moment within the very first ten minutes when one of our best men (in every sense) was struck down. In the immediate aftermath I think we all wondered whether it was worth continuing, not just this game but even the Lions in general. Perhaps it was for the best that the incident occurred so early in the game because we did play on, as Zorba insisted ...."go on win it for me" as he was being carried into the ambulance, and as the game progressed and in the days since I think we began to learn the value of that spirit of comradeship which the Lions has engendered.

Let's be true to it. On a lighter note, I am just glad that the shard of splintered bone inside Andy's sock turned out to be his inhaler.
The rest of the game is difficult to describe from my perspective between the sticks as it took place mainly at the far end of the pitch, and for a while visibility was further reduced by a blizzard.

However, after a scrappy start on a very uneven surface, the Lions began to get the ball down and play, for which the central midfield pairing of 'Fulham Boy Mark' and Dave H largely deserves credit; but this was a great team performance with battles being won all over the park (nobody exemplified the combative spirit more than Nigel) and we were bound to score as soon as the Skipper realised that the target was the goal and not the poor tree behind it.

As I said, it was a team effort and though Michael did not get on the scoresheet he did supply a magnificent cross from the left which Kipping found impossible to miss with his head. Goals came from midfield too with a brace from Christophe duBarrie: the first a balletic bulldozer dance through the penalty area finished with all the delicacy of a Rembrandt brushstroke (I was unsighted so I have to go on what I'm told) and the second a fine curler into the top right hand corner.

Toward the end everyone was pouring forward including 'Pastilles Astles' and Flood (no surprises there then). When Andy K wrapped up the scoring and his hat-trick with a perfectly weighted lob, I felt sorry for the Gits' keeper who was perhaps their man of the match, which is a measure of the Lions superiority in this game.

On a personal note I was proud of my first clean sheet for the Lions though I had little to do except chat with Naz about the importance of "communication"!!.

The Old Gits played their part in a largely good-natured contest and thanks to them for organising the fixture. Maybe next time they will field an even stronger side!

As we left the field at the final whistle, the pitch was bathed in warm spring sunshine: let's hope this was an omen for a brighter future on a somewhat gloomy occasion. I do not wish to dwell on the political fall-out of this game as it would detract from the main message:

'This one was for you, Zorba'.

Old Gits 0 - Lions 5

Lions Formation: 4 – 4 – 2

Team: Butler, Flood, Zorba (Astles), Fisher, Nazif, Barrie, Walters, Howell, Seddon, Kipping, Dick - subs The new Kit box!

Man of the match:- comradeship
Aug -03 "Hedgerly Sweat it out' Report by Ian Nazif
In the searing heat (as confirmed by John Hill’s temperature readings) Lions entertained Thames Valley Division 1 side Hedgerley F.C. on Sunday the 10th of August 2003.

Pre-match talk of rolling subs from our competitors were signs of how serious HFC were taking the match, our response was to use our full squad and also introduce a new member of Cookham Lions (a much maligned coloured ball)

We started the game in positive fashion, Tony Willis and Phil Astles were penetrating our opponents defence with such ease the game was destined for a goal!!!!

And it came…against the run of play a HFC player (Darren Brennan) stumbled when crossing and our new team mate (Blue Ball) had more swerve and bounce than a Curtly Ambrose delivery, beating the despairing Lion defence. Lions 0 HFC 1.

Lions rallied and returned to our game plan, attacking HFC playing quality football, when it happened again, (Richard Cenci) crossed, the ball bounced and swerved Lions 0 HFC 2.

We continued to play the better football, Tony and Phil continued to slice open the HFC defence and we were finally rewarded by a Tony Willis goal before half time. Lions 1 HFC 2.

To make full use of the squad, Dave Howells and Graeme Shipton were bought on and the Lions continued were they had left off in the first half, playing positive attacking football.

Our midfield were rewarded for their hard work, when Andy Kipping rose like a salmon on the far post (Tony Willis corner) to bury his header bullet like past two HFC keepers. Lions 2 HFC 2.

Again wisely using our squad, John Hill was introduced to the game and despite the intensive heat the Lions continued to roar! Dave Howells (who was beginning get forward more as central defender than he was as central midfielder) swooped as a Tony Willis rocket could only be palmed by the HFC keeper Lions 3 HFC 2. Kudos to Peter Brockwell was also following up, and tactfully allowed DH to rifle his shot into the HFC net.

A commanding performance from the entire squad, in intensive heat we stuck to our game plan and ran out deserved winners !!!!!!! We look forward to the return match in mid-September at Farnham Common.

Lions 3 Hedgerly F. C. 2

Lions Formation: 4 – 4 – 2

Team: Butler, Flood, Barrie, Nazif, Zorba – Dick, Kipping, Brockwell, Jez- Willis, Astles – subs Howells, Hill, Shipton

Man of the match:- Dave Howells
July -03 "Lions reduced to a meow" report by Phil Astles
July - 03 “Lions Lose Their Roar?” Report by Phil Astles

As the match reports on this page clearly show, the Lions are not ones to dodge bad weather. How many other clubs train at least once a week during all 12 months of the year? Not many I’d wager. Of course this has always played to the Lions’ advantage. Rain: no problem. Snow: doesn’t matter. Hurricane: easy. So why did an unbeaten run of one year and two games come to an end on Sunday, 13th July 2003, when the Cookham Lions played against the Cantley Dynamos? Simple. It was bloody boiling!

Who would have thought it? Paul and I spent all week praying for wind, Chris Barrie called upon inhuman mutant fifth dimension creatures to provide rain and whoever’s idea it was to get Donatello to not wash his hair for a week in order to provide snow needs a good talking to!

Anyway, goals erect, mouths dry, eyes poised, the Cookham Lions lined up ready for kick off at 10 am. Despite their late arrival, the Cantley Dynamo’s organised themselves some way down the long winding slope that is the Lions’ home pitch. At least 30 supporters (more than Billericay Town usually pull in) turned out to watch. It was going to be a classic.

Like a number of the European games that you and I watch from our favourite armchairs on a Wednesday night with only Ron Atkinson and a four-pack of Hoffmeister for company, the opening 10 minutes was tense, punctuated by mistakes and - to the impartial supporter - rather drab.

If you are one of those players that enjoy both playing the game and watching it at the same time, you will understand my belief that it “needed a goal to open it up”. Well it didn’t take long before one team broke through midfield, passed the ball pinball like on the edge of their opposition’s area before drilling home an edge-of-the-box screamer to take the lead. Unfortunately, it was Ian Nazif left sprawling on the floor, rather than the Dynamo contemporary.

The call went out from Andy Kipping and Chris Barrie “come on Lions, we are better than this, we need to turn this around and play like we know we can”. Inspiring stuff, especially with the new harmonies they have been working on.

Sure enough, the Lions led the attack up to half-time with a number of fast breaks down the wing by Michael Dick, who clearly put so much effort into his first-half performance that he was sadly missed in the second half when he called to be substituted due to heat exhaustion.

There is no doubt that as the Lions took up their positions for the second half an air of optimism began to develop that suggested yet another famous Lions comeback was on the cards. Well the chances were certainly there. Nick Denham and Tony Willis both had their fair share of opportunities to get into the box and get a shot off, but unfortunately an incredible exhibition of skill saw one of the Dynamos run through the Lions’ entire attack, midfield and defence before chipping home a vintage Cantonaesque goal and sealing victory.

The Lions did not give up and managed to achieve a late penalty, which was only narrowly missed by a partially injured Tony Willis. As the final whistle blew the Lions left the pitch with their heads held high knowing that they had given everything they had to give on the day.

With a number of players absent on annual leave and a few fresh faces in the squad, the powers that be took the opportunity to try a new format of give and go rather than hoof and watch. The Lions seemed to adapt to this well. A refreshing change and certainly an indication of things to come. In future, spectators will not see the Lions ‘Willis’ the opposition but rather pack hunt and fully maul them into submission like a pride collective on the plains of Africa hunting Wildebeest whilst at the same time demonstrating the skills and flair of the Real Madrid midfield. Well something similar anyway. Though it would be prettier. Obviously. And people will clap.

So there ends the report. No rain, no snow, a little wind and 100 degrees (ish) of energy-sapping sunshine. Certainly whoever is responsible for booking the Lions tour this year should steer well clear of South America and concentrate a little more on some of Europe’s cooler locations - Amsterdam, anyone?

Lions 0 - Dynamos 2.

Lions formation: 4-5-1

Team: Nazif, Hill, Barrie, Flood, Zorba - Denholm, Kipping, Dick, Lucus Astles - Willis. (subs Shipton, Howells)

Man of the match:- Ian Nazif

 


June -03 "Doomed we're all doomed" report by Tony Willis
Ahh Father's Day!

Sunday dawned fine and bright as the Lions assembled in Cookham for the tricky away fixture v. the 'Cantley Dynamos'.

Being father`s day the Lions had naturally decided to celebrate this festival of family bonding by leaving the kids at home, to spend half a day away playing footie in Wokingham - the exception being el capitano 'Kipping' who dutifully arrived with Lions mascot, 2-year-old Conor.

As our battered convoy pulled into the ground we were met by the fresh-faced Cants (spelt correctly) who then proceeded to try and score an early psychological goal by warming up properly, with cones!! prompting Corporal Hill (for the 'second week' in succession ) to proclaim, " DOOMED, we're all doooomed!!!!!"

Lions debutants on the day were the teutonic stopper Peter Davey and wide boy Graham "gooner" Shipton. The Dynamos hit top gear from the start and the Lions weathered early pressure. Despite the fancy Dan stuff however the Lions were creating the better chances. However, the goals that flowed the week before were being spurned as one-on-ones were fluffed and Nick Denholm hit the bar...he'll never score!

Five minutes before the break this profligacy was punished as a near post corner crept past an otherwise immaculate Dave Butler.
Half-time: Dynamos 1 Lions 0.

For the second period the skipper's brother-in-law Lance was unleashed up front. Reputedly a former Birmingham Youth player, or was that Musical Youth? he was soon skipping past defenders on their left-hand side, as Lions pressure mounted.

Cometh the hour mark, cometh the equaliser from Chris Barrie, striding majestically into the penalty area to stroke a sweet shot which was deflected into the right hand corner of the onion bag.

This was not to be Chris's last contribution as we learned post-match that one of the reasons the Dynamos had been so, well, undynamic, in the second half was the shock and awe of playing against a "living legend". Of course it have been that they were feeling sorry for a "lived-in legend" but we will let history be the judge. Time pressed on.

Kipping came up for a trade-mark long throw, to be met by the hapless number 8 from the Dynamos who bang! nodded superbly into his own net. 2-1 to the Lions.

From there on it was keepball the only danger coming from Hill`s tough challenge in the penalty box. "Pen". screamed the Dynamos, but the referee (Sandy Shaw) waved it away and the Lions were home and hosed for a sixth victory out of seven.

Off the pitch young Conor also scored with one of the scantily-clad lovelies that the Dynamos managed to attract to the fixture and who are so sadly lacking from the Lions entourage - " Did she have big titties son", :-) mused a proud father in the dressing room after the game. "Yes dad" Conor replied. Result!

Dynamos 1 - Lions 2.

Lions formation: 4-4-2

Team: Butler, Davis, Davey, Barrie, Zorba - Denholm, Flood, Kipping Lucus - Shipton, Willis. (subs Lance, Hill)

Goal Scorers:-
Lions: Barrie, No 8 (OG)
Dynamos: Lions goal post via a corner

Man of the match:- Chopper Butler


June -03 "Old Gits - just humans" (report by Andy Kipping)
The Lions' returned from the 'Carry On Camping' weekend with a severly injury-depleted Lions side took the field against the "not so OLD GITS" on Sunday 8th June. The weather was superb and the Alfred Major slope was ever present.

Chris Barrie captained a new look Lions for this encounter with Messrs Kipping, Denholm and Seddon all seeking medical assistance from the Bisham Clinic.

The vocal Mr. Barrie kept the players on full alert with ..."come on they're only human!!" - retorted by the sidelined Ian Davis with "teh that's fine coming from a bloke who's made his living as a hologram!"

The new players in the team provided an excellent addition to the growing Lions Club structure and also enabled us to maintain winning ways.

After absorbing some early pressure, the deadlock was broken by the Gaffer with a superb individual effort. Picking the ball up in his own half from a Dave Butler clearance, Tony lifted the ball over the right back and accelerated towards goal. The finish typified the purple patch Tony is currently in, with a cultured 'Henry' clip beyond the keeper.

The Old Gits though were here to win, and complete with a new goalkeeper, midfielder and Linford Christie up front they were a match for the Lions. Ian Nazif was proving partcularly effective in a holding midfield role and nullified the Gits' best central midfielder for long spells. Pete Davey was a welcome addition at Centre Half and seemed to form a good partnership with Mr Hologram whose shouts were now being reported to noise abatement societies in all the home counties.

The partnership was no good enough to stop the Old Gits equalising before The Gaffer put us back in front with another great finish from a Peter Brockwell ball. There it is in a nutshell, the Lions' secret, solid defence, strong energetic midfield with quality to free "supersonic" Tony Willis.

The game became like a tennis match with each of the centre forwards grabbing hat tricks. Obviously it was very much a team performance with sterling work from everyone who played, including new recruit Phil Astles (who should have written this report!!). A mention also for referee Stevie-Boy-Bough who gave up his Sunday morning to provide us with a fair, flowing game, unlike the previous encounter with Adolf Hitler's grandson at the helm.

The game will be remembered for 3 things. The Lions once again coming back from a deficit which time and time again shows the individual resilience of the whole squad providing us with collective results. The emergence of Jez "catch me if you can" Lucas with the winner who has provided us with little gems in training but has failed to carry them into the games until now.

Tony, with 4 goals, was truly outstanding. Watching from the touchline there were often huge gaps between the midfield and attack due to deep defending, but on 3 occasions Tony made chances out of nothing into well finished goals.

As I am writing this report a week later it is difficult to remember the game as things happened but the Lions unbeaten run was maintained. The Old Gits will have to wait until rematch IV to see if they can beat us, the Gaffer had the complete game and a new era of Lions footballer's has joined the fold with standards and records being maintained.

Long may it continue.

Lions 5 Old Gits 4.

Lions formation: 4-5-1

Team: Butler, Hill, Flood, Barrie, Zorba - Nazif, Acton, Lucas, Dick, Brockwell, Willis. (subs Davey, Astles)

Goal Scorers:-
Lions: Willis (4) Lucas (1)

Man of the match:- Jez 'catch me if you can' Lucas


March-03 "Teh! more like Pussy Cats" (report by A Zacharek Old Gits)

Old Gits 4 Vs Cookham Lions 4.

The Old Gits arrived at the venue feeling decidedly worse for wear following a heavy night celebrating the 50th birthday of one of it’s youngest members Dave Francis, at a local hostelry. Dave was unfortunately not able to join us on the day – more unfortunate for Cookham Lions than us – if you remember his goal keeping antics in the last match you’ll know what I mean (only joking Dave – you were brilliant).

Having worked out how to put the nets up and various other technicalities we set to putting our finely honed bodies into warm-up mode. Having done this and feeling completely shagged and decidedly sick we prepared to start the match.

The ref Bill Clere (AKA Rudolf Hess) arrived bang on time and wanted to start the match at the announced kick-off time of 10:30 (ha ha). It was at this point that we realised that both teams had a couple of tinsy winsy problems: we only had 9 players each (apparently some people can't read their e-mails), half our the Old Gits weren’t wearing shin pads. Having seen what he’d let himself in for I expected the ref to leave us to it and go straight back home. Luckily the size of the bribe (sorry fee) that we offered him convinced him to see it through and we kicked off about 15 mins late with Cookham Lions kindly providing us with one of their star players (Clive) to even things up a bit.

A few minutes into the game Clive Bird arrived and came on for the Old Gits to make it a true 11 a side. The match started with Cookham Lions strutting their stuff and dominating play whilst the old Gits were struggling to adapt to positions (what positions) and find their pace (or pacemakers). A goal after about 10 mins from Cookham Lions' midfielder Russ Armstrong left us thinking we were in for a bad day....

This was followed not long after by a jammy shot from the Cookham Lions work horse Nick Denholm struck with the outside of his right foot, it caught the wind (lucky for him) and left our goalie stranded as it threatened to take the hastily fitted net across the park with the ball. Our worst dream beginning to become reality, we tried to shore up our defences to cut our losses. We had a few good chances in the next period, with our loan player from Lions putting up a good performance for us, and getting stuck in. Unfortunately the Lions third came from Tony Willis ...a player being allowed way too much space in our area and finishing off nicely - surely he was off side! 3 – 0 halftime!.

As with all professsional teams we realised this half time team chat was crucial to our chances of getting back into the game, so we all slagged each other off, blamed everyone else for our problems and returned to the pitch fed up with each other like a real team.

By now feeling totally demoralised we were pleased to see Jay Hay arrive on the sideline just before half-time to pack out the midfield. Five in the midfield was our plan whilst the the Lions reverted to a flat back four. We managed to hold off the lions for the first 10 min, this nicely coincided with their midfield General and Captain taking a well deserved twenty minute 'tea break'.

Both sides creating opportunities but not being able to find the back of the net. We realised that having the wind behind us was a major advantage to us compared to being against us in the first half. As the half went on Old Gits seemed to be getting a bigger share of the action and although the back of the net remained elusive, it did not seem an impossibility. Eventually after a bit of a goalmouth scramble, Malcolm Andriesson got a shot on goal, it hit the post, then Lions keeper who kindy picked the ball out of the net.

3-1 YES! most of us admitted we would have happily stopped here and taken this as a final result, but we struggled on with our confidence slightly increased. Jay Hay, Joe Zacharek, and Mark Sproat were doing a grand job keeping the lions at bay along with the rest of our formidable defence, Whilst Barry Atkins, Clive Bird and Ian Whale were starting to create more good moves and chances up front. A second goal from Anthony Zacharek who managed to get on the end of a dream ball across the area by Clive Bird made it 3-2 and the Old Gits were beginning to sense a turn of tide. Where had the Lions gone? - fishing perhaps!

Soon after, with Old Gits increasing their hold on the game Ian Whale managed to get through Lions jagged, or was it ragged, defence and put a great goal away to make it 3 all. Old Gits were ecstatic and the possibility of a win started to creep into our minds. This was promptly dismissed when Lions counter-attacked and put in a fourth goal to leave us trailing again....it was the Armstrong again (spoil sport!)

With time running out Terry Dudley of Old Gits had to limp off with a suspected torn calf muscle and things were not looking great. Having managed to claw our way back into the game we were gutted to be losing again and time was running out. Young Antony Baul performed well in Goal doing a good solid reliable job, and although 4 goals got past us his performance was well appreciated. Apparently the Lions are interested in a bid!

About 10 mins from time Anthony Zacharek was starting to plod back from a failed attack on Lions goal when lions defense made a slip up that left the ball rolling across the edge of their area. Picking up on this Zacharek turned round, managed to pick up the stray ball and float it into the top corner of the Lions net. “LET JOY BE UNCONFINED” Old Gits were level, and we felt deservedly so. We managed to last the final 10 mins to the end with no more goals from either side and were very happy with our second half performance and result.

The Zacharek girls claimed credit for the result as they reasoned that it was upon their arrival, as supporters, that the Old Gits suddenly started scoring. We returned to the changing rooms. A lucky draw was the verdict of some Lions supporters (JENNY!!) and probably players, but I’m not sure if they meant for them or us.

A great game played in a good spirit under a firm, but fair [erh hum] referee with a great crowd. Boy was the Lions dressing room quiet appart from a flying handbag!

Lions formation: 4-5-1.

Team: Butler, Hill, Flood, Nichols, Zorba, Denholm, Armstrong, Kipping, Dick, Seddon, Acton, Willis.

Goal Scorers:-
Lions: Armstrong (2), Willis, Denholm.
Brewers: Zacharek (2), Whale, Andriesson.

Feb-03 Brewers - It had it all (report by Nick Balhatchet)

'Cookham Lions 6 Vs Brewers (+the ref makes 12) 5.

Sunday 9th February 2003 - a date not to be forgotten in Lions history. Venue: Astroturf Pitch, High Wycombe Leisure Centre. Weather: Overcast but mainly dry.

It took some organising, but finally the moment of truth had arrived. Would the Lions be tamed? Another skilful football team was travelling over from West London. Would the Brewers (core British Airways folk) be knocked into a pint pot, would the high flyers come crashing down? The next 90 minutes would decide.

The Brewers, unaccustomed to travelling outside the M25, had valiantly put together a talented scratch team at the last minute, not helped by the Lions’ indecision over the venue. Friends of friends proudly donned the Brewers’ away strip of white shirts. They say that a ‘leopard cannot change its spots’ but what about a lion? Or was it a dirty weasel (Balhatchet) who switched teams to bring the Brewers up to the requisite eleven (+the ref 12)?. Not me said Snake Hips “I’m a Lion through-and-through!” - was this to be a fated decision? No matter, the tardy Martin eventually turned up for the Brewers so midway through the first half, your reporter turned from poacher to gamekeeper and refereed the remainder of the game.

The game started with the Lions on the back foot – well on the back foot! A scene reminiscing that from World War II’s Market Garden - the good guys were under attack from all sides. Barrie donned his metal helmet, Zorba called for the ‘treatment room- ooh nurse!’ or was it his mum?, Flood strapped on his bullet proof vest and Hill was last seen deserting the action. 'Stay in the trenches you'll get killed out there'!

The Brewers were on fire, totally HOT, constantly pressing until indecision in the Lions’ defence (Zorba)/Midfield (Denholm) combo – erh MINE or even YOURS should have been the cry – how many times does El Capitano have to tell you chaps? BANG! The unfairly named Fowler (unfair, coz this guy was far more lethal) made it 1 - 0 (Jeeezz this was unknown territory for the Lions) The Lions looked stunned. They rallied and created a few chances with no reward and then BANG! BANG! (“sniper, sniper” Butler cried). Two further goals by the skilful Attley and Greener, similar to the first. The Brewers, were, well gosh, 3 – 0 up, this wasn’t in the script ….and worst of all, they were coasting! …. ready to roll out the barrel.

The Lions had packed five into midfield but they were being matched, if not outplayed, by the Brewers’ four. The Lion’s talismanic El Capitano was being made to look like Ronnie Corbett (sitting down) and strangely human …for once, by the big Fowler.

Boyo Denholm and The Saint (Seddon) hustled and bustled as normal but were met with firm resistance and not a little skill. The Lions looked flustered, in a huff and somewhat uncomfortable, and the half time whistle did not come a moment too soon for them.

It was now time for the Lions’ Capitano to step to the plate and he wasn’t found wanting. An inspirational team talk at half-time (“play the way you’re facing, COME ON WE’RE STILL IN IT”) meant that the Lions came out for the second half with renewed sheepish pride. They felt the score line was unjust - going by the possession statistics. Were they going to right this terrible wrong?

The Brewers’ half-time team talk was not as straightforward as you might have thought for a team 3–0 up. ‘Keep playing the same way’? Not a bit of it! Instead, the cry was, ‘Doesn’t anyone want to go in goal?’ Where have I come across that before? Anyway, the Corinthian spirit in which they played this game was again evident. Captain Desson had negotiated that four of them would take turns, including himself. Would the disruption prove costly though – hmmm time would tell?

Within minutes of the restart, El Capitano, leading by example hit a screamer from 30 yards (felt more like 150 yards), leaving the new Brewers keeper stunned in awe…"was that one of Saddam’s scuds?"…..no chance this was far more lethal! 1 - 3 and the Lions’ tails were beginning to perk up. The Lions suddenly started to believe in themselves but before long, another setback. A long ball forward from the Brewers saw a clash with the big Fowler collapsing to the ground as Zorba checked out what socks he was wearing. The referee was about to blow (yeah sure!) when he saw that the ball had broken to Attley, the Brewers’ front man. Advantage was played and the striker expertly lobbed the keeper. 4 - 1 to the Brewers. The Lions not happy! “YOU can’t DO that!, you can’t DO that, I’d stopped for a free kick……sodding Ref” - cried Mr Barrie.

Had this been a false dawn for the Lions? Could they come back from this? It seemed very unlikely, but then M’lord found his range: generally it was 10ft either side of the goal post 1, 2, 3…. 4 chances missed! Barrie’s cries of “Come ON we’ve got to put those AWAY!!!!” were heard in Beaconsfield by my aunt Mavis. Could it get any worse? Of course it could!

M’lord made a nifty speedy run down the left flank, pass one, pass two, pass three, he was in on goal!…surely, surely this time a simple tap-in; unselfishly he passed to Seddon who was standing on the goal line, yep this was it! Yep, this was it! A simple side foot into the net, it was that simple… but “aarrrhhh NOOOOO”!! (as Brockwell would cry). This was the time that Seddon decided to impersonate Jane Torvill (of Torvill and Dean fame) at the 1984 Sarajevo Olympic Games, you know the bit at the end of the Bolero ice dance where she rolls to the floor - yep he missed the ball – must have been a worm cast. The viewing judges awarded him 12 perfect scores of 6.0, including across-the-board perfect scores for artistic impression.

Then would you believe it BISH! BOSH! BASH! 4 –4. How did that happen? Further goals from Kipping, Willis and another off Mr OG (a Brewer). Somewhere in there, good olde Jane Seddon appeared magnetically rising (triple salko-esk) as if Christopher was clutching his fat waist (boy were those shorts tight!) and lifting him up, UP, UP, UP he flew UP into the sky a perfect ball in from M’lord, header, GOAL surely!…. not so quick smarty (frilly) pants! Remember the ref has switched alliances ….PHWEEEEEEEEE! erh “off side” - “Your hav’n a laugh REF” No he wasn’t! Not only that but another Lions one-two was to be called off-side just to prove it.

The Brewers were stunned, and the Lions’ centre backs pushed forward to battle it out in the midfield, would this be a mistake? Whilst the Brewers were still reeling, Barrie scenting blood and embarked on the infamous ‘Rhino Charge – aaaarrrrrhhhh’ down the centre and slipped in a silky pass. The good Lord, steaming down the inside left channel, was onto it. The Lions knew what would happen next. Take a touch? Square it to a team-mate …to miss yet again? Miss himself? NO! Not this time fella, it’s MINE! WACK! 5 –4 to the Lions.

WHAT a sensational turnaround! Would the Brewers crumble? Many of them had met for the first time in the car park. How could they possibly respond to this (would they be scarred for life)? Well, with some intricate footwork, culminating in a 25 yard blinder from Mr Fowler, low into the corner of the net, that’s how! No chance for Butler this time who earlier had brilliantly parried a 30 yard blast from the same man.

What a game! Some of The Lions at this stage obviously happy for a draw (you know who you are), some still feeling they could still do it. ‘Don’t forget to add on injury time,’ they implored as the game entered the final minute of normal time. But what was this?. David ‘Our Ball Ref!’ Flood, miles out of position (“ah who cares, my mate Barrie will cover for me”) had ventured onto the right wing. A short corner from El Capitano “give it back Floody… Oi ! give it back FLOODY”. No way, not this time Donatello, he’d spotted someone, far post, pleading. Floody drove in a pin-point cross…who was it to head the ball down into the Brewers’ net? Why of course, player-manager M’Lord Willis. Floody (well he is half Italian) smacks a kiss on M’lord’s cheek no less 6 –5 to the Lions.

Two minutes of injury time remained (felt like 20). But wait, were those same Lions now requesting the final whistle to be blown? They were wasting their breath on this referee. Surely no way back for the Brewers though but they were not going to roll over and die. Two good efforts in the dying seconds were thwarted then…. PHWEEE! PHWEEE! PHWEEEEEEEEEEE!

The game was over and …what a game!. The Lions very narrow but deserved victors in what can be only described as a ‘truly splendid game played in the right spirit' aaahhh bliss – isn’t that what it’s all about?

This was also a game with more shots from the kick-off than you would normally see in a season.

Men of the Match:-
Lions: No one but the whole team!
Brewers: Fowler

Lions formation: 4-4-2

Team: Butler, Hill, Flood, Barrie, Zorba, Denholm, Kipping, Dick, Brockwell, (what a miss) Seddon, Willis.

Goal Scorers:-
Lions: Kipping (2), Willis (3). 1 own goal.
Brewers: Fowler (2), Attley (2), Greener.

 

Feb-03 Printers Devils under Lions fire (report by Chris Barrie)

'It will be a miracle of organization if this game happens today' said Lions virgin midfielder Boyo Denholm at 10:44am on a bright, dry and crisp Sunday. In fact that was half the problem - it was so 'crisp' that the contest couldn't even proceed on astroturf! After much inspection, negotiation and phone calling (that's another story) a trickle of players onto Cookham's flagship arena became a flow and both teams were soon on their way to availing themselves to the luxuriously appointed changing suites that just give the Alfred Major Ground the edge over the Millennium Stadium. The door was locked, however in its usual position bolted to the front wall 'the bench' with its curiously elaborate iron work, strategically positioned in front of a large muddy puddle came into its own, and not too long after the scheduled start, the game kicked off.

Perhaps the greatest miracle of the day was the prompt arrival of the previous night's revellers from the Cookham ball - Zorba, Simon Templar Seddon, Barrie and M'Lord. The left back and midfield both admitted heavy presence of Harry Hangover - well known to the Lions, but the Lions Director of Football quipped "nah I feel fine". All critical eyes would be on them....

The early stages of the first half were oddly relaxed. Indeed the Printing Devils couldn't have been less devilish and devoted a puzzling amount of energy to exchanging jocular insults and laughing at themselves. Was this a devilish ploy?, the Lions were certainly not buying it and after a few minutes when the frivolity had dissipated, the Lions, shape intact, were ready for any threat the little Devils could muster. And muster a threat they did, mainly down the right flank, keeping left back Zorba busy and holding talented Lions playmaker Jez (ssshhh - catch me if you can) Lucas in defensive mode.

In the centre of a crowded midfield Kipping, Seddon and Denholm battled hard to create openings for the often isolated 'Oi down the channel Willis' and on the Lions' right, luvey Action and Chopper were put on the backfoot more than once, mainly by the skill and pace of the Printers' "Skinny Sid". The Lions' centre back pairing of 'Abbott & Costello' lookalikes Barrie and Flood covered well and were more than equal to the occasional marauding Printing Devil ..booo!, usually erh 'Big No 7'. Between the sticks, Nick Applehead Balhatchet, who looked worryingly reluctant beforehand, snapped out of it once he got the gloves on (aarrhhh warmth) and turned in his usual Cudicini performance, alert, safe and brave at all times....his wife will be proud of him.

The attack minded Lions though, despite having difficulty finding their usual rhythm - more of a rap than a waltz, were constantly probing, and as the minutes ticked by found more and more gaps in the Printers' rearguard. After long periods of Lions' pressure and, erh well, easy-scoring opportunities falling to M'Lord Willis and Seddon, the Lions took the lead when as a result of a Devil's clearence the ball looped towards the goalie. No problem he though I have a defender on the line. No problem thought the defender we have a keeper...... YOURS! goal 1-0.

If there actually was something of the Devil or indeed any part thereof in the Printers' make up, it showed up when they went a goal behind. The puce yellow boys swept forward with mainly Skinny Sid and Big 7 instrumental in forcing what seemed like an endless series of corners, one of which led to a heart stopping moment for the Lions who, uncharacteristically made a meal, but more like a banquet actually!, of clearing....hoooof - cheers Zorba!

Forget that, the Lions defended well as a unit and were always a danger to an often understaffed Devils defence. The Devils had a few shooting opportunities as the interval approached but appeared, like their opponents, to be suffering from crapshotitis. Half time - Lions 1 Devils 0. A moral boosting speech was needed from el capitano.

...."we gotta communicate! COMMUNICATE!"

If skipper and the gaffer had wanted to make some tactical changes, a quick glance at the subs 'bench' would have quickly confirmed that the number of options open to them was.....well, zero actually, because they would have been looking at the least crowded subs bench in the history of subs benches. However, there was a change, a planned position swap - Butler donned the warm gloves while a liberated 'aahh I'm freeee' Balhatchet slotted comfortably into the right back berth. Before the interval there had been a concern about the Zorba's hangover..., sorry hamstring but the problem seemed to strangely disappear before the restart.

The early stages of the second half saw either a loss of Lions composure or a serious attempt by the Printing Devils to draw level - probably both. After several thwarted forays into the Lions' den and a couple of crucial saves by keeper Butler, the visitors newly found vigour finally paid off when a telling break through the inside left channel led to a succession of failed clearances by the Lions. Throw in Devils, over it came, wow! a good throw, flicked on by No7, and swiped forward and downward off the shinpads of Sid ...GOAL 1-1

This was the wake up call the Cookham Lions needed, this was the swing of the kickstarter that fired up all cylinders, this was the prod in the buttock of a slumbering giant. Suddenly Boyo Denholm found his shooting range - '45ft left of the goal', The Seddon spirit soared and el capitano created. Acton made acres out of square millimetres, Lucas became a thorn in the Devils' flesh, so much so they decided to crack a few of his ribs, Zorba charged, Balhatchet buzzed, while Barrie and Flood cruised majestically across the central plains - swan like, most possession routed towards a waiting (patiently) Willis who'd wafted into some dream positions in the final third. And, on another day, Lord Willis, Henry like, would have had a hat-trick or more, but on this day, it simply was to be "are you Wiltord in disguise"......"are you Wiltord... in disguise?!!"

Indeed for all Lions in general a lack of composure in front of goal can often mar an otherwise good performance. Perhaps this is something that De Management need to address before it starts to cost.

The home side's winner eventually came in the 78 minute. The dominant Kipping took control, in true Michael Flatley fashion .. he jigged left ...he jigged right, with plenty still to do, he shrugged off a couple of poofy challenges, made some space and released a version of his famous 'crosshot' special.... BANG this was designed to cause maximum confusion in the opposition's penalty area...the ball climbed 20ft...40ft ...80ft it floated and dipped and swirled and looped and tossed... the Devil's keeper thought the ball would end up in Furze Platt - little did he know that Kipping had 'friends' in HIGH places ....with a gentle 'puff' and tracking system locked on the ball stopped dead and decended to earth into the Devils' six yard box, no worries the little Devis had two men on the line, Laurel and Hardy! It might not have reached the net - had there been one, but someone UP there was looking after good olde Donatello, somehow the ball crossed the line in sympathy. 2-1. Although the ref spent at least 75 minutes out of 90 somewhere on the planet Spog, he did manage to rightly award the goal.

As the rain arrived the Lions steadied the ship and comfortably played out the remaining minutes, while for the Printing Devils, damp and dispirited, the sound of the final whistle could not come soon enough.

Final Score - Cookham Lions 2 Printing Devils 1

Man of the Match - Difficult one to call, Balhatchet perhaps?. Several Lions had their moments and there are promising signs of maturity in at least two departments!

Lions formation: 4-5-1

Team: Balhatchet, Butler, Flood, Barrie, Zorba, Denholm, Kipping, Lucas, Acton, Seddon, Willis.

MOM: Balhatchet (for his duo performance & avoiding the grass seed)

Goals: Mr OG, Kipping (With a little help from his friend UP there)

 

Jan-03 West London OAPs lose out on the mane event
(report by Micheal Dick...and a bit from David Flood/OAPs)
After a deep night frost, Sunday the 12th of January 2003 was a day for waking up late, nursing a hangover and worrying about frozen pipes...except that is if you were a Cookham Lion. The Team had cunningly booked the only pitch for miles that wasn't frozen - the astro turf at High Wycombe. The only problem a 9.30 start…. would the OAPs make it (most did C&B John!)

So whilst most of the nation were pondering life with only two Bee Gees over a full cooked breakfast in a centrally heated kitchen, the Lions were warming up for their first match against the West London OAPs, and the temperature had risen to -2 (brass monkeys stuff). First challenge of the day was trying to avoid frostbite (and not showing your willy off - it's true what they say about Johnny by the way!) whilst changing in the car park. The new Malik's sponsored kit was impressive - strong on logos but low on thermal insulation.

The match seemed more like a massive game of astro turf pinball, with the ball being 'hoofed' into or up the pitch and then pinging off several players. Control was difficult and often something of a lottery. The OAPs then settled down to a snappy interplay, perhaps they were still warm from their car heaters after their long drive from London.

The OAP's midfield erhm.....dominated the first 15 mins (their paper reputation intact) their unplanned line-up of 'Tom' (their midfield general), 'Aussie (boy my tits are cold) Henry', 'Steve' fittest and oldest player on the pitch and Mark Skeet seemed to click, but the Lions had a trick or two up their sleeves the OAPs would need to venture the beyond the Lion's back four, this proved a different challenge with the Lions defense holding firm/solid!

Although the larger part of possession went to the OAP's the better chances, when the ball did venture forward, fell to Tony and scabby Jez up front who both looked dangerous on the break (or was it at the break?), with chances going 20ft wide 30ft high or being blocked with some excellent keeping by the OAPs' goalkeeper Nigel - apparently this was his first time between the sticks (never!) a revelation for someone with a dodgy groin strain, perhaps he was spurred on by the cute tactic of bringing his own personal fan club along - his wife (Alfie tells me "she is 37 you know!") and kids…."come on dad!" There was however a question mark around his performance as 'Ace Nigel' seemed to prefer to adopt a position closer to the half way line than the goal line.

Close to half-time M'Lord Willis was clean through on goal, a cert goal on the cards, but was enthusiastically hauled back by the scared OAPs back four, or was it Alfie, or was it the *Mr Invisible Referee*, who did spot the offside? ("Never - I was in my own half" - he cried!)

The first half ended in a bit of a stalemate with both teams wondering where to go from there. The Lions made the tactical move of moving Donatello into the midfield; with the OAPs preferring to adopt British World War II strategy somewhat attune to the tactic of destroying the Ruhr Valley dam with the bouncing bomb 'ATTACK attack and attack' ….somehow the Lions back four would need to be breeched and soon - scouser Paul was getting frustrated "I need the glory and oh some support would be nice!"

So to support the plan they move up their wing backs - Paddy (a mix of Ashley Cole and Michael Flatley from Riverdance) and Tony (aka a mix Solano and Manuel from faulty Towers) from Peru who became most confused by the slaps given to him by M'lord Willis, "that's how we play footie in England Tony". Mr Solano played out of position, in-fact the OAPs were not too sure what his position actually was…. most of second half was spent up front, alone, wounded gazelle like, being stalked out by the slick Lions offside trap - ggrrrrhhh!

Finally the deadlock was broken in the second half with the introduction of a 'real live referee with a whistle' this was a decisive influence. The OAPs began to struggle, the Lions midfield began to connect a few passes tricky Dicky began to get stuck in and a robust challenge from behind on Johnny Acton resulted in an indirect - "felt pretty direct to me" J Acton. Free kick 10 yards outside the OAP box…. silence fell in the crowd as Donatello faced up to a shot "Oi Willis I'll have it" was heard…..BANG! it was delicately aimed/guided into the BLH corner of the net by a very nice well paid OAP. "Pure skill"- Donatello "He's welcome to it jammy s**" - Mark Skeet.

Then from a corner 'Aussie Henry' hoooofffed over the bar from two yards or was it two feet …painful stuff. The OAP's fought on bravely - with a shot or two going wide and a desperate goal mouth struggle from another corner resulting in a cool touchline clearance from man of the moment Bimbo Barrie. Donatello then brought on fresh frozen legs in the shape of Nigel Seddon and Chopper and a through ball to Tony was firmly struck past the goalie by his Lordship. 2-0 - match practically over.

Other highlights - a 35 yard screamer from Pete snakehips Brockwell just over the bar, bone crunching tackles all over the park, Jez looking at a couple of knee skin grafts for his efforts, a tidy performance from reluctant goalkeeper Nick Bartez Balhatchet, goal saving tackles from Floody and boyo Denholm, and the usual nimble footwork at left back from Zorba perhaps he should join Paddy in some Irish dancing classes.

So "SOLID" seems to be the word most used by the OAPs to describe the Lion's second full match outing. Yeah "It was a solid performance" - M'Lord.

The Lions emerged with a 2-0 win (a fair result), and scores of 9.6, 9.4, 9.5 and 9.7 from the judges…oh! and 0.0 to John from the C&B.

Both teams retired to the Swan Uppers to compare match assessments and astro turf wounds, none where found to match Jez's. The OAPs claimed to have an alias from their own drinking venue the "Cock and Bottle" - fair to say they showed a lot of the latter (except JOHN) and fortunately none of the former - must have been the cold!

OAP captain Tom - gracious in defeat has invited the Lions for a rematch, in London, in the late spring "when it's warmed up a bit" - aarrh poor luvs!

Thanks to all the OAPs who made the journey, Johnny Acton for setting the whole thing up, the three refs Mr Invisible Man, Andy's brother in law Mr Yellow jacket and Ian "I'm a pro" Nazif and all those who braved the touchline including the three subs Ian Davis, Nigel and Chopper, and official match photographer John "Karaoke" Hill.

Oh and we nearly forgot, we have a special message to John from the Cock & Bottle - "where were you son?" seems you chose to spend Saturday night getting shit faced in the Galicia. The OAPs tell me that if anyone is to blame for the defeat it's YOU!

Lions formation: 4-4-2

Team: Balhatchet, Flood, Zorba, Denholm, Kipping, Dick, Brockwell, Bimbo Barrie, Acton, Willis, Lucas

MOM: Donatello (Lions) and Nigel (OAPs)

Goals: Donatello (I'll claim it) - Willis

Nov -02 Lions v Beacon Dynamo (report by Tony Willis)

Beaconsfield beckons hungry Lions......

After a brisk training session on Friday night and the great "black tie" debate in The Swan Uppers, Saturday dawned with the Lions due to compete in the prestigious Beaconsfield Tournoi.

But the Lions best laid plans were torn asunder with the late withdrawal of star midfielder Johnny (pass me the bucket) Acton on the morning of the tournament in scenes reminiscent of Gordon Banks`s sudden absence from England's world Cup quarter final with Germany in Mexico 1970. Banks's bout of Montezumo's revenge has never been properly explained, perhaps he too had dined chez Brockwell (fishery) the night before.

Fortunately Nigel Seddon managed to round up his mate Peter (prop forward) from Amersham so four Lions and a ringer proudly trotted out in their new kits at the Beacon sports centre.

The tournament was due to feature 4 teams; ourselves, 2 teams from the host club Beacon Dynamos, and the scarlet pimpernels otherwise masquerading as The Cookham Wanderers.

Once again however the self-styled Premier non-footballing social club in Cookham failed to show.

In their absence the competition boiled down to each team playing each other twice for the coveted trophy.

The Lions lined up as Ian Davis alternating between the sticks and the defence, big Pete in defence, elegant Pete in the middle, with burly Nigel and goal-hanging Tony up-front.

The result: a beautifully balanced, composed unit which easily overcame the unfamiliar below shoulder height rule and their lack of practice in wall passing.

The Lions won the first 3 matches 2-1 without ever fully hitting their stride and, with the tournament already won, cruised to a 1-1 draw in the final fixture.

So the unbeaten Lions roared to victory once more, rendering the Dynamos powerless and with the poor old Wanderers nowhere to be seen.

One team in Cookham?............

Lions stats: Goals: Willis(4) Brockwell (3)

Man of the tournament: Ian Davis, solid defence, crisp distribution and match winning saves.
Nov-02 Villagers v Townies (alternative report by Floody)



Sept-02 Lions v Wycombe Old Gits (report by Johnny Acton)

10 am Sunday 29 September 2002, Alfred Major Field

Cookham Lions 2 - 0 Wycombe Old Gits
(Flood 15 Willis 21)

It wasn't a level playing field and they moved the goal posts before the game had even begun, but September 29th is a date that will go down in Lions history. Perhaps.

The early eyeballing revealed a surprisingly human-looking opposition, which came in a variety of shapes and sizes, not unlike ourselves. This gave heart to the Lions, and there was a jauntiness about us as we warmed up.

The early exchanges were all about acclimatisation - to the unfamiliar kick-off hour, to the rigours of eleven-a-side (which some hadn't experienced since Michael Owen was born) and in certain instances, to being a bloody linesman!. It also became apparent that gravity was going to have a major say in proceedings, with the ball showing a marked tendency to roll off towards the railway line closely followed by that 'pass that inhaler Kipping'.... Nevertheless, the match got off to a brisk start, with the Lions having most of the early possession. Before long, however, the Old Gits' joints started to loosen up a bit, and the game settled into a war of attrition.

With a quarter of an hour gone, the touchline was aflame with gossip about the player-manager and his marital status. Just when it seemed the Lionesses were about to abandon all pretence of watching the match, David Flood came up with a piece of pure visionary football he lobbed the Old Gits keeper 'from the halfway line!'. Or that's what he told me afterwards.

Inspired by this moment of individual brilliance, the Lions set about the shell-shocked Old Gits. No quarter was given. Six minutes later, Tony Willis doubled the scoreline, capitalising on some exotic goalkeeping at the edge of the area. Suddenly the spectators sensed a rout. But the Gits, their pride wounded, fought back valiantly. On 22 minutes, one of them had quite a good shot (he was small, nippy and didn't have much hair). And on the half hour, only a terrifying rushing save from Nick Balhatchet denied them.... a keeper in the making!

The next noteworthy episodes were Nigel Seddon giving away a free-kick for shouting "mine!" once too often for the liking of the man in black, and Michael Dick hitting a post with a speculative cross. Just before half time, the Gits missed an excellent chance to pull one back through faffing about in the box after some nifty build-up play.

So: two-nil up at half time.

The Lions Manager then replaced 'From the halfway line Flood', Russty and Ian Davis with myself, Dave Butler and John Hill. As a result, I delegated to my glamorous assistant and her equally glamorous team of associates. But I am reliably informed that a) Michael nearly scored, but his shot was saved by the goalie, b) Andy Kipping took a throw in and c) an Old Git free kick was saved by a "bum of walls"(?). It also seems that d) the shortness of Lord Willis' 70's shorts ..and erhm tackle was noted by all women present!

The game ebbed and flowed, with few clear cut opportunities. Anthony Zacharek, the Old Git captain, thought he should have had a penalty as he tripped over his laces. Old Gits Alex got a smack in the mouth as he contested a header with Nigel Seddon. Richard Allcock the Old Gits talented midfielder asked a few questions of the Lions' defence. But it was all to no avail. The Gits had had their moments, but in the end, goodness and light had prevailed.

Men of the Match: Lions - Tony (M'Lord) Willis; Old Gits - Richard Allcock.

Attendance: 23 + 12 buggies











 
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